Hello, I hope you read this.

“Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.” 

― Isaac Asimov

My toes are freezing. 

The radio channel on Astro is singing it's hearts out. 

The house is quiet, everyone asleep. 

The sound of the downpour outside is so loud.

That is my countdown for 2018. Usually, the change of year is just normal for me. However, this time round, I am quite emotional as I reflect everything that has happened in 2017 alone. 

The year 2017 started pretty much with a bang. I was so positive, looking forward to everything in store for me. Everything felt ever so right. Like, what could ever go wrong? Everything was falling into place. All that made me complacent and I took the good for granted. My family was okay, my life was okay, my relationship was okay, my friends were okay. No, everything was not just okay but amazing. 

I started my freelancing as a graphic designer. I had a good amount of jobs coming in here and there. 

I learnt the methods of working from home/or anywhere you feel like. I learnt how to manage my money. I learnt the pros and cons of being your own boss, and as a freelancer. Heck it ain't easy. Truth be told, I disappointed a few of my clients. I didn't deliver well for some jobs. I got no one to blame except myself. I got over confident with the amount of jobs I could handle. Serves me right, haha! So many nights I felt like crying because I was too tired yet I couldn't stop because I had a lot of work to be done. I wanted to just reject everything and just stop work. But who am I kidding, am I right or am I right? I also learnt taking care of your own finances. Adulting 101 right there. 

I feel like 2017 was also the year I got closer to my family. How? I don't know but I know I got on a whole another level with them. Usually I could go days without seeing them. Now, the thought of not seeing them in less than 24hours freaks me out. I am getting overly attached to them. How like that??!

If you read my previous posts, you know I was counting down to my wedding day. I'll touch on that in a bit. I got in and out of some friendships and acquaintances. I had a full-time job only temporarily because I was becoming a wreck nearer the end of the year. 

Now this is the biggest biggest biggest obstacle for me this year. I am not writing this to gain sympathy nor do I have the intention to tarnish anything. I do not know whether this is appropriate to write, and be published to the world when nothing is concrete yet but I feel the need to channel this properly so that my mind is at ease. Usually, I would be cussing and just be mad on WhatsApp conversations with my best friend and my cousin. I have stopped counting down to my wedding day. Everything happened so suddenly, but when I reflected, it was going on for months already. After my engagement, things got really hard, especially hard recently. I wish I could touch deeper into the topic but I think it is a little too private to say. As I am writing this, I hear my heart shattering again and again. The man I once loved more than anything, suddenly became this totally new person I didn't even recognise. I wouldn't blame him alone. I have my flaws too that could've contributed to the change. I just wish I could change whatever is going on right now and be back to normal. Maybe this is God's way of testing me, His way of calling me back. All I know, all I ever did was give my all. I mean, come on. I was deeply in love. I wanted to go through everything with him. I wanted to make sure he was the happiest man alive. I wanted us to be a pact. Maybe, I was thinking too much about how I wanted things to be, instead of how he might want it? I don't know really. I don't have answers to so many things now. My mistake was I didn't leave anything for me. When all I had was only myself. It is really difficult when both are not on the same page. I spoke one language, he spoke another.

Right now, all I seek is peace for myself and my heart. I am surrendering everything to God. I tried my best. I did my best. I hope things get resolved soon. Everything is really draining. I don't know what to expect and hope. I am just preparing myself for whatever may be the final outcome. I know how much my family loves and adores him but it got really unhealthy for me. I just pray the best out of this. Just writing this is making me emotional all of a sudden; and I thought I was okay already. This feels like peeling the scab of your wound that has started to dry. God. Enough. *Inhales, exhales*

I apologise if the previous paragraphs bores you to death or whatever.

I am still thankful for an amazing December. My year ended rather well all thanks to family. This year, I learnt that no matter what, family stays freaking forever. So so thankful to have a family that loves me and looks out for me. My December was filled with so much love and fun with family. I wish I could experience this almost every other day too. 

Right now, I am considering my next steps in life. Really considering continuing my studies in my dream school which is in KL (hehe). I have a lot to plan for 2018.

I pray and hope God helps me throughout this. Aamiin. 

Also, I am thinking of starting a YouTube channel. That would be so interesting. We shall see. 

I am also sorry if my post isn't as interesting as you thought it would be. If you want to read, I am always willing to write. 

Hello 2018, let's takeover the world, a step at a time ay?

Much love,

Shasha K.