Because I'm cute.

“As much as you care about others, care for yourself first. Because at the end of the day, when it’s 3am and you’re in your room, you only got yourself. Love yourself.” - F.H

I don’t know how many times he has said that throughout our friendship. I am reminded everyday of how thankful I am that we crossed paths earlier this year. We started as just normal friends. He would ask me out for a meal or two. Usually it would be dinner and/or supper. That’s when we realised we shared the love for something in common; teh (tea). 

In case you’re wondering: -

Teh tarik is a hot milk tea beverage which can be commonly found in restaurants, outdoor stalls and kopi tiams within the Southeast Asian countries of Brunei, Malaysia and Singapore. Its name is derived from the pouring process of "pulling" the drink during preparation. (Wikipedia)

It could be teh tarik, hot teh, iced teh, teh’o and so on. But usually we would order iced teh. We would go for teh sessions just to talk, hang out, laugh and simply relax. He is the only one that would be more than willing to go all the way to Arab Street at The Sarbat Stall with me so that I can get my teh Halia (ginger). Another reason is because he too, likes the teh there. All my bestfriends are not that keen about it. I would say yes to a teh session almost instantaneously. Well, enough about teh. I think you get the picture already.

I've been holding this post for a few days now. I just don't know how to actually begin writing. I've not written anything for so long. However, I just feel the need to write about this guy. He saw me when I was at my lowest. After my failed engagement, I was a mess. I don't think the word mess is enough to describe my state, then. I got to know him on one of the many dating platforms that I was an avid user of. I still remember how our conversation started. It was laid-back and the usual asking-questions-to-get-to-know-you-better kind. He also had the cheesiest but funny pickup lines. Period. Apart from all that, he is actually so so kind, understanding, patient, honest, funny and bloody real. Oh, let's not forget how shy he is. I had nights where I would suddenly feel like crying or I was so mad with everything. My relationships with everyone around me was bad especially my family. I would just suddenly blurt out things to him because I couldn't stand it. His replies were always so calm, mature, but never pressuring me. In that horrible state, I hated myself so much. My self-esteem hit rock bottom. I hated how I looked - I gained so much weight and it wasn't because I was happy. Talking to him, made me feel that it is okay to feel what I felt. It was okay not to be okay. After a long while, I actually felt okay being in my own skin. He was around till the day I fully healed. I won't deny and won't forget the sacrifices my best friends made for me. 

From the dating platform, we ended up on WhatsApp. I remember how I ended up getting his number. We were talking about sending some cute baby photos and he dropped his digits ever so smoothly and told me to WhatsApp the images because that dating platform you can't exactly do it. In my defence, I didn't text him first. I gave him some letters to decipher so that he can get my number. It is child's play actually, but it is fun to me. I still remember the very first time I met him. I looked so horrible. I couldn't be bothered with my appearance - when I usually would want to look decent when I first meet someone. That first hang out led on to so many more that I can't count already now. 

Now, why am I writing about this particular being? A dedicated post just for him. Well, perhaps because, after all these months, I finally see him in a different light. He has been my constant. He has seen it all. Bad days and good days. My countless breakdowns and my loudest laughter. I am so rusty in writing that I can't seem to put my words properly. I am trying my best to write about him. He has this heart that is so huge. He is always so composed, so calm, so mature and ever ever ever so kind. He never asks for anything in return. He is honest and sincere. I don't know his worries and sorrows. He is not one that would open up to anyone. In all honesty, I feel so selfish for taking so much from him but he isn't taking anything from me - maybe just my heart. 

He makes me smile and laugh so much that my cheeks hurt. He is so silly and funny. His mind is another world, another dimension. My brain loves it so much. I always love talking to him about everything and anything because he is so smart. Talking to him makes me think a lot, question a lot and wonder a lot. He cares so much and he treats me with respect. Always very polite with his words, gestures and overall behaviour.  I don't know whether it is fortunate or not, but he swept me off my feet. I brought my walls down, and now he has stolen my heart. 

The thought of him makes me happy. The sight of his smile calms my heart. His presence makes everything feel alright. He gives me this strength to be more positive and stronger for myself. Sometimes I look at him, I feel like embracing him ever so tightly because he feels like home, but I can't. I don't wish to scare him off. I know of the state of things and I just want him to find himself and be happy. He has more important priorities and responsibilities. I respect him so much for always being real and not sugarcoating anything. I wouldn't want to trade anything with him right now. I am ever so thankful and happy as how we are now. I would be lying if I say I didn't wish that I stole his heart. It is okay. He deserves the best in his life. He deserves to be loved ever so greatly by whoever his heart chooses. I told myself, if one day, he has found his love and it isn't me, I would support him 100%. I would let him go. If his presence in my life is temporary, it is okay. Even though I pray he would be a constant for very long. He has taught me so much. I grew so much mentally. I want to see him happy even if it is not me in the picture. If anyone is reading this, you might think I am just too head over heels for him thats why I am saying all these. I wish you knew him personally and you would agree so much to what I have said. So many times I have wondered what did I ever do to deserve him being in my life. I am not being dramatic. A lot has happened and it led me to this. Writing all these makes the hairs on my arms stand. I feel my eyes getting watery. I have been keeping this in for so long. I can't help but to write here on this platform. I just felt the need to express it out. 

I am not rushing into anything. I am not hoping for anything. However, I too have feelings and emotions and I can't help it but to acknowledge them. Everyday I pray God protects him. Everyday I pray whatever he wishes for, whatever he wants, whatever he needs, he gets it. He deserves everything amazing in his life. He is an amazing friend, a lovely crying friend and a great laughing friend. His smiles are etched in my mind already. Afterall, he is my favourite person.

Dear F.H,

thank you for everything you've done for me. Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for being so selfless and kind every single time. Thank you for being you. I am sorry that I feel this way. I am not sorry too for feeling this way. But I know where I stand. It is okay. I am not expecting anything. I am not hoping for anything. I am ever so happy being around you as how we are. I hope you are too. Forgive me if I don't make you happy as how you make me happy. Continue being you, because you are amazing. Yang penting, I punch your face then you know... Hehe.

Love,

Siti Aisyah.